driven
I've kinda been driven to write about this and I don't know why. Perhapes it has to do with Steve talkin' in church about covering our wounds. I know i do mine. And perhapes its because i'm ashamed of them of being hurt or perhapes it has to do with my need to be independent to be able to stand alone and not need help. Which of course always brings my down fall.
Examining myself is something that i try not to do. I'm sure everyone tries not to do it. I've found that in my want to be with someone I've thrown myself at independence. I'll admit it, i'm lonely. I curl up sometimes at night and just ache for someone besides my cat to curl up with. Who will hold me and love me for who I am, who will want to be with me. I know its silly, and even cliched, but its how i feel. I hide it i know because truth be told i'm ashamed of it. I hate feeling like a petty female, who wants her life to be like a Danielle Steel novel. I've prayed to God for help to understand it. I've prayed that he make the need for a partner to go away that i can be happy in my single life, but he won't. Maybe hes just using it as a lesson, as a way to get me to cling to him tighter. But i'm clinging so hard my fingers are bleeding! And i'm tired, so very tired of waiting. Of getting my hopes up and having them dashed upon the rocks of reality. People wonder why someone can get caught up in books or tv or video games, its because life sucks. Its tough and lonesome and tiring and down right cruel. I don't know why i'm typing this, i feel silly and stupid for doing so but i feel like I should so i am. Maybe someone else can make sense of it. Cause i can't. Ya know sometimes i walk down the halls and school and think, what do those girls have that i don't? Am i that repulsive, that scary, that whatever that guys just aren't attracted to me?! I know its the devil trying to tear me down and most days it works, i've tried to make myself stop and to think why, that most likely its because God doesn't want me with anyone right now, or something...poo. Ya'll are probably reading this thinking what a loser. Miss different and independent is just like every one else. Thats how i feel, i try to maitain this image this aura of indeference, but i do care i do hurt i do want things that everyone else wants. So i'm not the cool wierd girl that everyone likes just because she doesn't give a damn what everyone thinks, but sometimes i do care. I want a guy to look at me and say, wow, you look good today or whatever. I want a V-day card, for once that didn't come from a friend, my parents, or myself. Is that really too much to ask? maybe it is and i don't realize it. Maybe i'm being selfish in wanting these things and that i should stop. That i should start thinking about what other people want what other people need instead of this growing ache in my chest.
Make sense of it please!
HeavenlyFather i just pray that whatever happens happens because you will it that way. Please watch over us all and guide us and protect us no matter what happens. I know that you have the best in mind for me and i just ask that i can see your plan so that i'm not here freakin' out because i'm human and a control freak, perhapes i should just learn to have complete faith in you and should learn not to worry. Amen
thanks for listening to my ramblings or at least skimming them.
-kat
Examining myself is something that i try not to do. I'm sure everyone tries not to do it. I've found that in my want to be with someone I've thrown myself at independence. I'll admit it, i'm lonely. I curl up sometimes at night and just ache for someone besides my cat to curl up with. Who will hold me and love me for who I am, who will want to be with me. I know its silly, and even cliched, but its how i feel. I hide it i know because truth be told i'm ashamed of it. I hate feeling like a petty female, who wants her life to be like a Danielle Steel novel. I've prayed to God for help to understand it. I've prayed that he make the need for a partner to go away that i can be happy in my single life, but he won't. Maybe hes just using it as a lesson, as a way to get me to cling to him tighter. But i'm clinging so hard my fingers are bleeding! And i'm tired, so very tired of waiting. Of getting my hopes up and having them dashed upon the rocks of reality. People wonder why someone can get caught up in books or tv or video games, its because life sucks. Its tough and lonesome and tiring and down right cruel. I don't know why i'm typing this, i feel silly and stupid for doing so but i feel like I should so i am. Maybe someone else can make sense of it. Cause i can't. Ya know sometimes i walk down the halls and school and think, what do those girls have that i don't? Am i that repulsive, that scary, that whatever that guys just aren't attracted to me?! I know its the devil trying to tear me down and most days it works, i've tried to make myself stop and to think why, that most likely its because God doesn't want me with anyone right now, or something...poo. Ya'll are probably reading this thinking what a loser. Miss different and independent is just like every one else. Thats how i feel, i try to maitain this image this aura of indeference, but i do care i do hurt i do want things that everyone else wants. So i'm not the cool wierd girl that everyone likes just because she doesn't give a damn what everyone thinks, but sometimes i do care. I want a guy to look at me and say, wow, you look good today or whatever. I want a V-day card, for once that didn't come from a friend, my parents, or myself. Is that really too much to ask? maybe it is and i don't realize it. Maybe i'm being selfish in wanting these things and that i should stop. That i should start thinking about what other people want what other people need instead of this growing ache in my chest.
Make sense of it please!
HeavenlyFather i just pray that whatever happens happens because you will it that way. Please watch over us all and guide us and protect us no matter what happens. I know that you have the best in mind for me and i just ask that i can see your plan so that i'm not here freakin' out because i'm human and a control freak, perhapes i should just learn to have complete faith in you and should learn not to worry. Amen
thanks for listening to my ramblings or at least skimming them.
-kat
posted by CleanSlate @ 8:11 PM
2 Comments:
At 10:43 AM ,
Cin said...
Kat,
You are just human. Everyone longs for what you long for and although it may seem as though others have what you long for they still feel the way you do, the way we all do.
Someday we will have what we long for, we will have it without anything else lacking. :-)
At 4:42 PM ,
FL PT said...
Kat we have so much in common it isn't even funny!! I completely understand how you feel and that kind of emptiness you feel when it comes to wanting someone to share your life with. It is hard and the devil is cunning and always makes you think that you aren't good enough...or makes you question what other people have that you don't. I find myself thinking that a lot... especially when I am around my friends who are my age and happily married or dating someone seriously. I too long for someone to share my life with.
God will provide that special someone for all of us if it is part of His plan and only in His time. His time is not like our time...and this is impossible for us to understand. In His eyes, His plan for us is perfect. He tells us in Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." So, we will never know how different parts of our lives will turn out, but we will wish and long for certain things b/c God has put longing in our hearts. Perhaps it is b/c He wants us closer to Him like you said. One thing is for sure...He loves us more than we can possibly fathom. He knows our joys, hurts and heart's longings and in His time He will take care of them all.
Did I babble too much? I never know if I make any sense...ha ha. Love ya Kat!
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